“People don’t turn you down… only expectations do”, had heard it a long time back. But even today incidents and experience continue to validate this and show me that how simply this one sentence has put together the crux of all that we call a “relationship”.
Any relationship- howsoever important or unimportant we might consider it- brings with itself a bundle of expectations- to both the sides, of course. Slowly, its ingredients like companionship and bonding lose their value and what remains is a long list of “should do’s” and “should not do’s”. The moment any of these is not fulfilled, we feel devastated. We proclaim that the relationship has lost its value or charm. All the beautiful things become clouded by the “should have done’s” and “should not have done’s”. But a surprising and often ignored thing is that the fulfillment of these expectations does not necessarily have the opposite effect. We expect something of some person and he does it- it generally goes unnoticed! We never jump with joy for that, we don’t even acknowledge it. Whereas just let that person do otherwise and…
Then isn’t it better that we simply do away with this thing called “expectation” before entering into a relationship and just enjoy whichever way the wind blows. Easier said than done… and maybe not even that right a thing to do either. Maybe relationships are meant to be that way. Even a small child goes to sleep after being fed, but cries the hell out if the feed is slightly delayed. Maybe expectations just have to be there.
Is there a way out then? The only one that I can see is to be able to separate the person and MY expectations from him. If something unfavorable does happen, I need to understand that I was turned down on what I had expected or wanted the other person to do and not what he ever told me he would. This is the only way, I see, a relationship can handle the pressure of expectations.
Any relationship- howsoever important or unimportant we might consider it- brings with itself a bundle of expectations- to both the sides, of course. Slowly, its ingredients like companionship and bonding lose their value and what remains is a long list of “should do’s” and “should not do’s”. The moment any of these is not fulfilled, we feel devastated. We proclaim that the relationship has lost its value or charm. All the beautiful things become clouded by the “should have done’s” and “should not have done’s”. But a surprising and often ignored thing is that the fulfillment of these expectations does not necessarily have the opposite effect. We expect something of some person and he does it- it generally goes unnoticed! We never jump with joy for that, we don’t even acknowledge it. Whereas just let that person do otherwise and…
Then isn’t it better that we simply do away with this thing called “expectation” before entering into a relationship and just enjoy whichever way the wind blows. Easier said than done… and maybe not even that right a thing to do either. Maybe relationships are meant to be that way. Even a small child goes to sleep after being fed, but cries the hell out if the feed is slightly delayed. Maybe expectations just have to be there.
Is there a way out then? The only one that I can see is to be able to separate the person and MY expectations from him. If something unfavorable does happen, I need to understand that I was turned down on what I had expected or wanted the other person to do and not what he ever told me he would. This is the only way, I see, a relationship can handle the pressure of expectations.
6 comments:
True, easier said than done - to enjoy what you might not like/expect/hope, whichever way the wind blows, requires either extreme - hypocrisy or sainthood.
but another way to avoid the misunderstanding, is to stop converting those expectations into should/not do's..... i expect that my colleague is honest, but i cant dictate what she should/not do to be honest.
again, easier said than done.
Well... Not at all good with relationships.
But blog sure is a nice starting point.
Will try and integrate it to my existing value system and comment further...
Thanks for Sharing.
I can truly relate to what you are saying ;)... relationships are complex; I believe it is a wide gap between “Expecting” and “Accepting” that one has to bridge in a relationship. Trust me, it is not possible not to expect; in fact the more we invest in a relationship, the more we expect. The real question is to what extent we can accept. If we choose to be in a relationship we can find thousands of reasons to do so and otherwise; like you can convince yourself by giving disappointments a name – "your own expectations..." but how much is too much is what one has to decide.
true harmeet... when faced with such disappointments in a relationship, we can either cover it up as "my expectations" or can really stop expecting (easier said than done).
i think in kartik's terms the formar would be hyprocricy and the latter sainthood. right kartik???
"Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises"-William Shakespeare.
But then this is how it is!
And we could be doing that as well. Isn't it?
Not all the time are we able to meet what is expected of us, and we forgive ourselves.
If we do the same for others as well, the relationships would be a little less complex and will still have the ingredients of companionship and bonding.
Vide your example of the child crying is not fed properly; do you think if the same thing happens second time or a third time or nth time, the child would not cry?
He would because he simply forgets.
"Forgiveness is the oil of relationships"
hey
really nice
so true
thats all i have to say
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