perceptions

“People alter their memories to make them fit their perceptions” – Scott Adams

When I read this first, it seemed a little weird. Altering memories to fit my perceptions??? I always thought that the relationship was the other way round- that my memories determined what perceptions I had. But with some deeper thought, it started making some sense.

Altering the memory – I am not very sure about, but “selective retention”- that for sure does happen. Say for instance, I like this friend of mine. He obviously is no divine soul and does certain things that are good and some that are not so good (see, I am biased right here in not using the word “bad”). Anyways, I might dislike the “not so good” acts of his, but after some time, provided I still like him, would somehow forget about them and simply give him the credit for the good ones. Selective retention!!!

Let us take a slightly different, but a more common example. Let’s say I dislike this person, and you ask me my view about him. I will tell you all that I feel is wrong about him and will easily come up with numerous instances when he was not good to me or to someone else. Does this mean that I have never ever seen him doing any good deed? Selective retention again!!! I prefer to forget such events and keep only those in my memories which suit my perceptions.

Want more??? How many times have we almost forgotten the wrongs that we “accidently” did and not that the other one did to us? Or the pinching comments that we made and covered up with “I didn’t mean to hurt you” and not that came to us wrapped up in a similar fashion?

So it is not what I have experienced that forms my view about this world around me; it is rather my view that determines what I choose to call my experiences. Remember the old saying “aap bhale to jag bhala”.

People don’t turn you down… only expectations do

“People don’t turn you down… only expectations do”, had heard it a long time back. But even today incidents and experience continue to validate this and show me that how simply this one sentence has put together the crux of all that we call a “relationship”.

Any relationship- howsoever important or unimportant we might consider it- brings with itself a bundle of expectations- to both the sides, of course. Slowly, its ingredients like companionship and bonding lose their value and what remains is a long list of “should do’s” and “should not do’s”. The moment any of these is not fulfilled, we feel devastated. We proclaim that the relationship has lost its value or charm. All the beautiful things become clouded by the “should have done’s” and “should not have done’s”. But a surprising and often ignored thing is that the fulfillment of these expectations does not necessarily have the opposite effect. We expect something of some person and he does it- it generally goes unnoticed! We never jump with joy for that, we don’t even acknowledge it. Whereas just let that person do otherwise and…

Then isn’t it better that we simply do away with this thing called “expectation” before entering into a relationship and just enjoy whichever way the wind blows. Easier said than done… and maybe not even that right a thing to do either. Maybe relationships are meant to be that way. Even a small child goes to sleep after being fed, but cries the hell out if the feed is slightly delayed. Maybe expectations just have to be there.

Is there a way out then? The only one that I can see is to be able to separate the person and MY expectations from him. If something unfavorable does happen, I need to understand that I was turned down on what I had expected or wanted the other person to do and not what he ever told me he would. This is the only way, I see, a relationship can handle the pressure of expectations.